


Tyrell's matchmaking show (CRACK FIC)

by 1980



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: Beach Towel, Crack, Gen, Humor, Matchmaking, Parody, TV Show, Talking, live show, tv
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:01:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24320224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1980/pseuds/1980
Summary: In this crack fic Tyrell is the host in a matchmaking show, Irving is a couples councelor and Joanna participates in the show in quest to find the man she is looking for. Things don't go as planned and later things take an even more unexpected turn!Many other Mr. Robot characters also make an appearance in this crack fic!
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crack fic and you should't take it serious.  
> Disclaimer: I know nothing about couples counceling so don't take Irving's words serious.

Slow, lyricless pop music plays as two red curtains on the top of a stairway are visible under the dim light. Someone opens the curtains and the spot light falls on him. It's Tyrell Wellick with his bright smile, a blue bow-tie made with rhinestone, a black shirt, a blue suit and black patent leather shoes. The crowd immediately cheers and gives him a round of applause. He goes downstairs as the spotlight follows him and as the pop music becomes more lively. He walks on a thin and long walkway that connects the stairs with a big and round stage, and he shakes hands with some people from the crowd at the same time.

"Thank you! Thank you!" he says and he is finally on the round stage and the cheers and the applause gradually stop. 

He looks towards the camera.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another live episode of **Tyrell's matchmaking show**! I am your host, Tyrell Wellick, and I will do my best to make sure that you will have an enjoyful Saturday night."

The crowd cheers and gives him a fast round of applause again and Tyrell chuckles.

"Like always, here with us is our couples counselor, Irving!"

Tyrell points with his hand at a dark spot behind him on the left side of the stage, and a spotlight falls on Irving. The crowd cheers and gives him a round of applause. He stands in front of a white armchair as he smiles and waves his hand. He is dressed in a brown suit with a white shirt, a black necktie and black leather shoes. The crowd calms down and Irving sits down.

"And now let's meet a lady who came here tonight to try and find a man. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome, Joanna!"

Tyrell turns and points with his hand at a huge dark spot on the center of the stage. A spotlight falls on Joanna who is dressed in a black long dress with long sleeves. The crowd gives her a fast round of applause and she waves her hand with a smile. Tyrell approaches her and they shake hands.

"Welcome, Joanna! It's very nice to meet you!"

"Thank you Tyrell! It's very nice to meet you too!"

"You can sit down."

Joanna sits down on a tall stool which is placed behind her and all the lights above the stage turn on and the music stops. The decoration and the sets make the stage look like a luxurious office. Tyrell looks towards the camera.

"Let me explain to those of you who are watching us for the first time tonight that Joanna will make a small introduction of herself and she will also tell us what she is looking for in a man. Then men who are interested to talk with her will call us, they will talk a little with her on air and the one Joanna will find more fitting for her will be here tomorrow with us, on Sunday night. He will get to know her better while they will have a drink together and while they will do some challenges, like karaoke! In the end they might end up together or they might not. If they end up together then you have the chance to give them a present, in case you like their chemistry, by voting for them to participate in our lottery for a trip in the Caribbean!"

He makes a small pause as the crowd cheers and then he continues.

"If Joanna needs an advice to make her choice then she can ask Irving's opinion." He looks towards Joanna again. "Are you stressed?"

"A little bit" She chuckles.

"Is this your first time on TV?"

"Yes."

"What brings you on this show?"

"It was easy for me to date but I couldn't find what I was looking for. One day a friend recommended me this show and told me that people come here to find the partner they want. I was hesitant at first but in the end I decided to come."

Tyrell suddenly touches the tiny earphone on his right ear.

"This didn't happen before! They just informed me from the production control room that someone already called and wants to talk with you."

"I haven't even introduce myself yet!"

"And that's why you have the right to accept or decline this call. Will you give him a chance or not?"

"Yes."

"Hello!" Tyrell says.

"Hi."

"What's your name?"

"I'm Elliot."

"Hello Elliot. You can talk with Joanna."

"Hi." he says.

"Hello Elliot!"

"How you been?"

"I am fine." she replies.

"How old are you?"

"I am 27 years old. What about you?"

"28."

"Ok."

There is an awkward long pause.

"Elliot, would you like to talk to Joanna about your hobbies?" Tyrell askes him.

"I like computers a lot and I end up working for a company as a tech for this reason."

"Is the company big? Is it like... E corp?" she askes.

"... E Corp, the largest conglomerate in the world. They’re so big, they’re literally everywhere. I hate this company. The “e” might as well stand for “evil.” I don't work there and I won't."

Joanna smiles uncomfortably and Tyrell does the same as he clears his throat.

"Would you like to say something else to Joanna? Or maybe would you like to ask Elliot something?" he looks at her.

"No." she says indifferently and shakes her head.

"Oh, they just informed me that Elliot hung up the phone." Tyrell says.

Joanna shrugs.

"Well then, why don't you tell us few words about you and few words about what you are looking for in a man?"

"I'm 27 years old and I work as a translator. In my free time I take ballet classes or I listen to classical music. I also really like shopping. I am looking for a kind man who is 25-38 years old. Someone who has a good job, someone who shares things in common with me. And someone who is willing to start a family."

"I see." Tyrell nodds with a smile and touches his earphone again. "You are very popular Joanna, someone else already called for you!"

Joanna chuckles as the crowd cheers.

"Hello!" Tyrell says.

"Hi! I'm Francis."

"Hi, Francis! You can talk with Joanna and tell her some things about you."

"Truth is I don't listen to classical music, but I'm 29 years old, kind person and I want to start a family. I think you will find what you are looking for with me, Joanna."

"Don't you think that we need more things in common in case we start dating?" Joanna askes him politely but seriously.

"Sure, but we might find more things in common if we get to know each other better. Or we can try to compromise a bit. In the past I was in a relationship with a woman who was taking ballet classes and our relationship last for almost two years even if I don't like ballet."

Joanna doesn't look convinced.

"What's your job?" She askes.

"I am a librarian."

"Hmm." Joanna looks hesitant.

Tyrell touches his earphone again with a confussed look on his face.

"They just informed me that the man who called earlier just called again and is very eager to talk! Elliot, you are on air." Tyrell says.

"Francis, or should I better call you Cisco, didn't you propose to Darlene few days ago?!"

"Your sister rejected me and broke up with me man!"

Joanna facepalms and Tyrell smiles awkwardly with his eyes closed as Irving chuckles a bit silently.

"You know her, she just did her disappearing act! Why are you trying to cheat on her?!"

"I don't! I told you she just-"

"Wait a moment please!" Tyrell interrupts them with a strict tone. "Whatever happened is personal and we don't want to hear about it. Goodnight to both of you." Tyrell waves his hand with a bright smile as the crowd cheers and gives him a round of applause. "I'm sorry for this." he says as he looks at Joanna with a kind smile.

"Don't be! It's not your fault." she says with a soft chuckle.

"May I offer an advice to Joanna before the next call?" Irving askes.

"Of course!" she replies with a nod.

"I understood that when it comes to a man's job you don't easily give a lot of chances if his job is not what you expect. But this attitude might lead you to loose the chance for a good relationship. Take a story for example. The start of a story might not be interesting but later there might be a very interesting and unexpected twist! The same can happen with a relationship."

The crowd gives him a round of applause as Joanna looks thoughtful.

"Someone just called." Tyrell says. "Hello! What's your name?"

"You can call me Mr. Robot."

Tyrell raises his eyebrow in suspicion as the crowd chuckles a bit.

"What would you like to say to Joanna?"

"I don't care about the gold digger, or your stupid show. I just called to say some things to that prick with the cheap suit."

"Me?" Irving askes in confussion as he points at himself.

"Watch your language!" Tyrell says strictly. "Irving, do you want to talk with him? Or not?" he askes as he looks at him.

"Yeah, let me talk to... Mr. Robot." he says with a serious tone.

"I'm not gonna mention how terrible your advices usually are and how you corrupt the youth. Nah, I won't mention what a joke of a couples counselor you are!" Irving listens with a fake smile as he nods slowly."But I want to say that your book, "Beach towel", is trash and I want my money back! You hear me?!" Irving looks at Tyrell as he flashes his eyebrows.

"Goodnight Mr. Robot!" Tyrell waves his hand towards the camera as he smiles brightly."Wasn't that Elliot again?" he askes as he looks at Irving.

"I think he was." Irving answers thoughtfully and the crowd laughs a bit.

"Well, let's see who called next!" Tyrell says. "Hello! What's your name?" he askes.

"TYRELL WELLICK? Am I really talking with you?!" the voice of a very excited woman askes him.

"Yes! You are indeed talking with me!"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! I am a fan of your show and I wanted so much to talk with you! Congratulations for your show by the way!"

"Aw, thank you so much!"

"I don't feel comfortable to share my name, but I can say that I am a cashier lady from a gas station nearby Pike's Hollow. If you ever end up here I can treat you some beef jerky! I read your recent interview where you mentioned that you like it!"

"Heh, thanks a lot!"

"I'm sorry for making this call but I wanted so much to talk to you and to ask you something!"

"The truth is that men were supposed to call for Joanna but since you called then you can ask me what you wanted to ask."

"Were you on Big Brother?"

The crowd and both Joanna and Irving laugh.

"No, I wasn't on Big Brother."

"Are you sure?!"

Everyone laughs again except Tyrell.

"Yes I am sure."

"Are you planning on participating in Big Brother?"

"No, it's not in my plans."

"Why not?" she askes and Tyrell smiles uncomfortably as he clears his throat.

"Unfortunately the show has to go on and there is not enought time for more questions and answers. We will have to talk with the person who called for Joanna."

"Goodnight then Tyrell, and thanks for talking with me! I can't wait to tell to my husband with excitement that I talked on the phone with you and to make him jealous! He doesn't know who you are because he doesn't watch TV and he might think that I have a lover. But he deserves to think that for forgetting our anniversary!"

"Goodnight cashier lady!" Tyrell waves his hand towards the camera with an awkward smile as the crowd and both Joanna and Irving chuckle. "Now, let's find out who called for Joanna. Hello!"

"Good evening." the voice of an old man greets them and Joanna looks displeased.

"What's your name?" he askes.

"My name is Phillip." 

"He sounds old." Joanna whispers to Tyrell.

"I know." he says as he nods. "Philip, how old are-"

"We have a lot of things in common with Joanna and I also have what she is looking for." he interrupts Tyrell.

"I don't want someone who is less than 25 years old and I also don't want someone who is more than 38. You sound very old. How old are you?" Joanna askes him.

"I sound old because I am indeed old, but not very old for what you are looking for."

"How old are you?" Joanna askes him as she looks bored.

"39 years old." he replies and the crowd chuckles.

"Phillip, in case Joanna choose you to be here tomorrow with her then you won't be able to participate if you lied about your age."

"I have nothing to loose anyway, but she has." he replies with arrogance.

Joanna rolls her eyes and Tyrell looks bothered by Phillip's arrogance as he touches his earphone with his finger.

"He just hang up." he informs her.

Joanna shrugs indifferently.

"Are you disappointed after these calls?"

"Actually I am not."

"That's good!"

Tyrell looks towards the camera.

"We will take a small break now but we will be together soon after the TV ads. When we return, here with us, will be the famous chef Krista Gordon! She will share one of her amazing recipes before we continue with Joanna's quest. Stay tunned!"  
  
There is an oven and a table with kitchen utensils and cooking ingredients on the right side of the stage now, in front of an entrance. Tyrell stands over there.

"We are back again on **Tyrell's matchmaking show**! Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the famous chef, Kristan Gordon!" he says cheerfully and he points the entrance with his hand. 

Krista enters the stage with a smile and the crowd cheers and gives her a round of applause. She is dressed in a white chef's uniform and she shakes hands with Tyrell.

"Welcome Krista! It's very nice to meet you and to have you here with us tonight!"

"Thank you very much! It's very nice to meet you too and I am very happy that I am here with you tonight!"

"What kind of recipe will you share with us?"

"It's an easy but very extraordinary and tasteful omelete recipe. And I want you to prepare it with me!"

"Sounds great!"

"Let's wear our rubber gloves first. I have white for me and I brought blue for you because someone told me that you were going to wear blue today and I wanted them to fit with your clothes!" Krista gives him the pair of the blue rubber gloves.

"Heh, thanks for your consideration." Tyrell says with a chuckle as he puts on the gloves.

There is suddenly a commotion in the crowd and Tyrell and Krista try to understand what's going on. A man from the crowd pushes some others and manages to get on the stage.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" the man shouts and walks towards Joanna aggresively.

"What are YOU doing here Derek?!" She askes in surprise.

"Please, get off the stage right now!" Tyrell orders him.

"Get off the stage now!" She demands with anger.

"I am not going anywhere without you Joanna! You love me!"

"We had a relationship and then we broke up. I don't love you. Just leave!"

A cameraman gets on the stage, grabs Derek's arm and tries to pull him off the stage. But Derek removes a knife from his pocket and stabs the cameraman's left buttock. The crowd is paniced and Joanna, Irving and Krista run off the stage. The cameraman is on the gound and he screams from pain. Tyrell carefully approaches Derek from behind him while he is distracted from the crowd and the cameraman's screams. Tyrell wraps his arm firmly around Derek's neck and at the same time he holds tight the wrist of his right, armed hand. Derek tries to escape but Tyrell holds his neck tighter and gives him breathing difficulties. The knife slips from Derek's hand in his attempt to escape. 

"Someone help Sutherland!" Tyrell shouts worried for the cameraman.

The securities are finally there, they arrest Derek and the paramedics are on the stage too and they help Sutherland. Nobody from the crowd is there anymore. Tyrell walks and stands in front of the camera as he looks towards it.

"Unfortunately the show won't go on for tonight. And there won't be a live episode tomorrow since Joanna didn't manage to talk with enought men to choose one of them. But we will be here again, on the next Saturday night, for another live episode of **Tyrell's matchmaking show**! Goodnight!" he says with a fake, bright smile and he waves towards the camera with his blue gloved hand.  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere near Pike's Hollow, a woman watches the credit's of **Tyrell's matchmaking show**.

"Oh man! Why that stupid Derek had to ruin tonight's and tomorrow's episodes? How am I going to wait until next Saturday? At least I talked with Tyrell Wellick!" she says her thoughts out loud before she turns off her TV. "Maybe I could read that couples councelor's book to pass my time. Or maybe not... That rude man said that it's trash... what if he was right?"


	2. Author's notes

(This chapter is going to be just "Author's notes" just like the title of the chapter says.)  
If you enjoyed this fanfiction then don't forget to leave a kudo and a comment, if you want to. Constructive criticism is also welcome!  
Would you be interested in reading more chapters and/or another crack fic?


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